Avoid, If At All Possible
by outwittingsquirrels
Summary: A series of love letters sent between Sirius and Remus between 1980 and 1981. JPLE and RLSB.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing of Harry Potter

14th July 1980

Dearest Remus (Moony),

I'm writing to you to give you my heart. Only that's a stupid thing to say really, isn't it? I mean, you can't actually _give_ anyone your heart (unless you're dead, and I rather hope you're not to keen on seeing that happen) and besides, why the heart? It's just a lump of muscle, right? And it doesn't even look like a love heart. Why not the lungs? Or the liver? Plenty of people die of liver failure. And it's actually possible to donate some of it while you're still alive. So basically, what I'm trying to say is if your liver should ever fail, I will gladly donate you some of mine.

Now…I shall end this travesty of a letter with a simple, standard,

All my love, I miss you tons,

Sirius (Pads)

_AN: the title, by the way, is what 'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy' has to say on the subject of love. Please leave me a review!_


	2. Chapter 2

16th July 1980

Dear Sirius,

So it's agreed. Should my liver ever fall victim to the ridiculous amounts of Firewhiskey and that Muggle stuff you've been giving me, I shall take some of yours. I consider it apt payment for putting up with your endless messing for all these years. Though I must admit, I find myself rather at a loss without it.

The situation here isn't exactly fantastic. The others a little…sceptical of us. They think we will fail rather unspectacularly and we'll jump like rats for the nearest lifeboat. They are convinced I'll return to them once Voldemort is in power, begging them to allow me to return. To be honest, I'm finding it a little hard to doubt them at the moment.

And I swear to Merlin Sirius, if you're hurt or you've got yourself into some ludicrously dangerous situation, you needn't worry - I'll kill you myself.

I'm afraid I'll have to finish here; my supply of ink is a bit limited.

All my love, and a promise of my liver,

Remus


	3. Chapter 3

18th July 1980

Dear Remus (Moony, eternal keeper of my liver),

Well, you know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or is that absinthe? It better not be, you shouldn't be drinking without _me!_ Going off with strange men who would steal your innocence without a second though, only I've stolen it first.

And I'm sure your amazing powers of persuasion will have the Dakami* scrambling to join the Order. It worked on me after all, and you all know about my will of steel and reinforced concrete…

When are you coming home? Dumbledore says he doesn't know, which _I_ know roughly translates to 'if I told you that I'd have to kill you' (or something those lines anyway). If you're not back soon I may well have to resort to James - or maybe even Peter - for sex! I mean, strange men taking advantage of a drunk young werewolf is one thing, but James I'd-eat-Lily-if-only-I-could' Potter? I shudder at the very thought. On that note, if you are writing to Prongs, will you tell him that if he Apparates over to our flat again in a panic because the baby kicked one. More. Bloody. Time. I _will_ castrate him so no more offspring are possible.

And don't worry, while Prongs may be in danger, you won't have to kill me. I've been boringly safe since you left. You better be too!

Your ever loving sex toy and donator of internal organs,

Sirius

_*This is what I've decided to call the werewolf group that Remus is staying with._

_I've also decided to push this whole fic up a year, so it's July 1980 now and Lily is pregnant. Hope you liked it, please review!_


	4. Chapter 4

19th July 1980

Dear Sirius,

Don't worry, I'll be back after the full moon. I wrote to James, telling him in no uncertain terms to shut up about the baby. He wants to know if I prefer the name Harry or Elvendork. I told him that unless he wants his child to hate him, Harry was undoubtedly the way to go.

Staying out of danger? Really? This is a welcome surprise. Since when have you been one to stay out of anything?

The Dakami don't seem as susceptible to my particular brand of charm as you however. Castell - the big one, remember? You were terrified of him - says he won't trust anyone who comes to him sent from a wizard, even Dumbledore. I can only hope that applies to Dark Wizards as well as I've seen Greyback lurking around Castell's tent rather too often for my liking.

James? Peter? I knew it was only a matter of time before one them seduced you! This is a blow to my very heart, no mistake. I may need to resort to the absinthe; those strange men are looking pretty attractive about now.

All my love,

Remus


	5. Chapter 5

20th July 1980

Dear Remus, Moony, bloody idiot,

You're staying for the full moon? Have you lost it? What if you get hurt? You _will_ get hurt! We won't be there to help you! Oh my Merlin, you're going to die, alone in- fucking Merlin Remus! You're not staying there for the full moon!

Sirius

PS: I wasn't 'terrified'


	6. Chapter 6

21st July 1980

Sirius,

I'm under orders from Dumbledore, I have to and I will. Besides, plenty of my kind get on fine at the full moon. Please don't worry. I'm staying.

See you next Tuesday,

Remus

PS: yes you were, you hid behind me for practically the entire meeting


	7. Chapter 7

27th August 1980

Dear Moony,

This hospital is so _boring_! There's nothing to do (not even you) and I'm not even that bloody sick anyway. I should be at home, recuperating, with _you_! But instead I'm here, in agony, because the Healers are sadists who like to see me suffer (no painkillers for two days! And just because it 'might react with the _poison'. _I don't bloody well care!)

Anyway, how goes it all at home? James still panicking over how to hold the baby? And Peter's keeping you company I hope. Can't have you all on your lonesome while I'm wasting away in here. And I have to say, this isn't exactly the nicest place in the world to waste away in. There's a man in the bed opposite who won't stop talking to me about Nargles (whatever the hell they are) and the fella in the bed beside me screams bloody murder every twenty seven minutes on the dot. I know. I've timed it. That's how bored I am. I've also counted the eight six petals on those flowers your mother brought me and the number of rectangles on the curtains (two hundred and twelve if you're interested).

You better visit this evening or else you'll have a clinically insane boyfriend on your hands.

Sirius


	8. Chapter 8

28th August 1981

Dear Moony,

Did my last letter not convey boredom sufficient for you to bother replying? Did I not seem pathetic enough to merit your sympathy? Have you taken one horrified glance at the great, ugly hole in my side and decided not to waste you time with me any longer? _Do you not love me anymore?!_

Forever you heartbroken liver donator,

Sirius


	9. Chapter 9

28th August 1980

Dear Sirius,

Honestly! I visited you last night, I'll visit you again this evening and if you're not home by then, I'll visit you the day after that too. I have a _job, _in case you hadn't noticed. _Some_ people can't afford the luxury of lying in bed counting flower petals. You can imagine me sticking out my tongue at you if you like, but rest assured, my maturity levels are far above that.

And of course I still love you.

Remus


	10. Chapter 10

29th August 1980

Dearest Moonykins,

I think I forgive you. You last visit was…nice.

Sirius


	11. Chapter 11

14th November 1980

Dear Moony,

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

My life would be hell

If I didn't have you.

Only roses can be other colours too, can't they? I don't really know about violets, but you'd think they'd be violet, right? Rather than blue? That'd make a lot more sense I think. I'm rambling again though, see what a mess my poor brain devolves into when you're not here? And when I have to put up with Gideon and bloody Fabian bloody Prewett for two bloody weeks in a small bloody house with no bloody entertainment and tons of bloody smart comments about bloody everything!

I'm calm. I'm sane. I'm not about to lose it. I swear. The red headed twins from hell are not slowly driving me mad. And my name is not Sirius Black.

Missing you like mad,

Padfoot


	12. Chapter 12

16th November 1980

Dear Sirius,

I thought Dumbledore didn't want you writing to anyone unless absolutely necessary? I miss you too though. Peter's away with his family and James and Lily are being kept up nights with the baby. Apparently Harry's sick - nothing to get too worried about I'm sure, but they're bringing him to St Mungo's anyway to get him checked out. And try not to get too annoyed with the Prewetts too, you still have to live ten days with them.

Anyway, I'm not feeling the best myself - full moon in a few days, you know - so I'll finish off here. Looking forward to seeing you again,

Lots of love,

Remus


	13. Chapter 13

18th November 1980

Dear Moony,

I hope you'll excuse my language, but fuck Dumbledore. I'll go quickly insane if I have to put up with these twins without any word from you. And I'm so sorry I couldn't make the full moon, I hope Prongs and Wormtail showed up. Are you feeling ok now? Make sure you go to Lily if you're not feeling well. And I hope Harry's alright too, Merlin I hate being away.

On a lighter note, Fabian found something rather unexpected today (I'm not allowed to say what though) which apparently means we'll get to head home early! I will ply you with chocolate and um…various other things on your sick bed yet! And I started reading that book you gave me ('The Lord of the Rings' is it?), what the hell are hobbits? And they've got wizards completely wrong too - though the grey one does kind of remind me of Dumbledore. I don't know what kind of books you read Moony, for all we're trying to save their lives and protect their rights, these Muggles do have an odd way of looking at things.

Can't wait to see you again,

Padfoot


End file.
